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After my father died in 2017, I had a strong feeling of being stuck in a birth canal. A very tumultuous and life altering journey has unfolded since then that has stretched me to the very edge of my strengths and capacity to cope with life. Eight months after my father died, my husband was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of tongue cancer and he passed away just eleven months later.

This year, I’ve been learning and practising an inner exploration process called Focusing, in which you focus on felt sensations in your body and just be present to them without trying to change them. Often they are associated with feelings and emotions, memories from the past, and even clear messages of guidance for issues I might be struggling with in my current life.

A few weeks ago, I started getting very strong sensations of a kind of gripping feeling on the top of my head. As I focused in on it, I had the image and feeling of a large strong male hand, tightly holding the top of my head with a protective quality. I stayed present to it, just trying to be a witness and observer. And then I saw a baby’s head, stuck in a birth canal. Next I saw forceps, trying to get the baby’s head out. I acknowledged the impatient part of myself that wants to move forward in my life, and I felt the message, was “Let it come naturally. Don’t try to force things.”

The next time I focused, again, I felt this intense gripping feeling on top of my head. Again, it felt like a large male hand holding the top of my skull. As I stayed present to it, it felt like an intense ring of tightness around the top of my head. I stayed and I acknowledged the frustrated part of me that is impatient and wants to understand. I waited, I slowed down, and I breathed. And I saw very clearly, a baby’s head starting to crown.

And then I remembered three years ago, telling my friend that I was stuck in some kind of birth canal and didn’t know how to get out.

I still can’t really make sense of all this, but I’m in awe of how mysterious life is and how our bodies can hold such wisdom, and even, seemingly, the knowledge or some sense of what is lying ahead of us on this strange journey we call life.

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